Posts Tagged ‘overanalyzing’

Yesterday Hot Stuff and I drove in his 4Runner to Snowmass and searched for a road that’d give him access to the runs he rides with the kids he teaches snowboarding to in winter.  It was funny to see the ski lifts hanging there over foot-high grass like silver elephants walking tightropes over the savanahh.

Hot Stuff was unusually quiet, and I was rambling in that dingy way when you’re trying so hard to say something of interest, but you know that you need to use 50% fewer words, and back up the words you do ramble with 100% more confidence.

I was ragging on people with money, and he countered that he’d met a lot of great wealthy people in Aspen, and I got defensive, and then realized I’ve met a lot of nice rich people here too.  Pointing out the obvious: Shedding negativity has been harder than combing bubblegum out of my hair lately. 

After more out-loud self-analysis I concluded to Hot Stuff that I was just trying to decide what I thought about money, and he finally verbalized and concurred.  He remarked that I seem conflicted and confused about it. 

I feel conflicted and confused about a LOT.  And I’m starting to wonder if this is just my annoying personality, or some opinion-insecurity, or I’m a genius and just demand to try to see things from all sides and can’t pick which one I want to stand on.

I think I’m desperate to have some opinions and be 100% resolved and confident in them.  But something in my inherent belief system rejects that way of being… because it seems limiting and ignorant.  And yet, being conflicted and confused all the time DOESN’T FEEL WISE!

My motivations right now are being grilled more meticulously than the eggplant for the Whole Foods salad bar.  Why do I want to leave Aspen? Did I really give it a chance?  Would I be choosing to run away from anything?  Did I not make enough of this opportunity?  Should I stay? Shouldn’t I stay?  Once I get to NC won’t I be sorta miserable?  Do I wanna be a surfer bum in Mexico or an upstanding pharmacist in a southern community? Do I want more education or just more money?

The only answer I have at the moment is I definitely should ingest some vegetables because this bag of oreos that has been sustaining me for the last two days might be contributing to the feeling that there is a frenetic snowglobe with flecks of high fructose corn syrup in place of my brain.

This morning Hot Stuff and I finally tried to struggle out a conversation.  I started crying, half outta relief and half outta the fact that that’s what I do when I talk about my real feelings.   He said he feels like we’ve constantly been 10% off with each other since I got back.  Exactamundo. 

 Maybe this peg is an octagon and I’m trying to jam it in a triangle-shaped hole.  Maybe I need to quit fighting the machine.  I told him if I moved back to NC I knew I wouldn’t meet someone else like him.  My frustration is that I have ideas about things I need: to return to school, to develop a sense of self-confidence in terms of being able to make money, to stay in one spot and build a network of friends.  And I have this belief that I cannot do it in Aspen.  It’s too “hard”, “expensive”, “small”, and there is no real university near by.  Am I making excuses for being lazy, or do I have a pretty clear perspective? 

Hot Stuff agreed to just ride it out with me and see what happens… which hit me as very sweet. 

I feel like the writing on the wall says “go back to NC “, but 10% of me is still wondering if that writing is a riddle that I haven’t cracked yet and should work on a few more weeks.  I guess it’s that 10% of me that is preoccupied and pushing apart my brain and my relationship.  I’m gonna go meditate on a mountain or some crap.


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