It’s 2:51am and I wish I were asleep.  I stayed up with mom watching the latest dvr-ed episode of Mad Men.  Why can’t Don just sex his wifey and not every other broad with two arms and two legs in NY?

I’m going on a real honest-to-goodness date Friday night.  With a real guy who doesn’t have enough baggage to sink the Titanic.  How novel!  In fact, I don’t see any glaring red-flagged baggage yet at all.  Which probably means I’ll have to subconsciously resort to self-sabatoge to mess this one up.

But for serious, new dates are terrifying and wonderful at the same time.  Terrifying because my neuroticism starts to slide every possibility for humiliation by my psyche like beads on an abacus.  Click, click, click what if you have a panic attack and weird him out on this first date (even though I haven’t really had one in, gosh, 5+ years), click click what if you say the wrong thing and mess this up and are never asked out again and die an old maid, click click click what if you eat bad pizza and get indigestion and have to race home with a terrible tummy ache and poop your pants in the car click CLICK CLICK.

 You know what’s funny is that as I was trying to write those last sentences I was having a hard time coming up with what exactly I am nervous about.  I mean, there is always the “omg I don’t want to have a panic attack in front of this practical stranger” but I think that’s really about it.  And I guess it’s a fear of humiliation.  It’s terrifying to me to think about having something as weird and intimate as a panic attack in front of a stranger who may judge me and chuck me away because I’ve freaked them out.  Panic attacks need to wait for, like, date 15 when we’re a monogamous couple and I’ve charmed them and dazzled them enough that a little ole sweating-heart-racing-shaking-WIGGING-episode-for-no-apparent-reason is taken in stride, and they can hold my hand through it instead of think “omg get me away from her”.

Anyways, why were first dates wonderful again?  Oh yeah- they are wonderful because of the delicious anticipation… you can project all your fantasies on this person because you barely know them yet.  It’s like innocent until proven guilty… he IS wonderful until reality knocks that down a few notches.  So you can walk around all week smiling smugly because you have a date with Mr. Wonderful this weekend… aren’t you special (smirk)!   I get excited about what I wear before the first date too- not like when you are schlubbing during month six watching tv together and just staying in and snuggling as usual.  And maybe I get excited before the first date because I have this blank canvas- I can present myself however I want! At least until I run out of energy and the real me (which is still pretty neat) comes seeping through the meshy holes in my persona.  I get excited by potential.  I get excited by possibilities… and all of those are there before a first date.

I’m also at a point in my life though where I’d like to find a relationship that goes deeper than any I’ve ever had before.  Because I’m a bit tired of running through the gamut of only the possibilities you get excited over with the first date.  There are so many levels of potential and possibilities to get to and be excited about, and as that I am approaching 30 faster than a high speed Japanese train I think it’s time I try to walk around on those levels and see how they feel.  Maybe this guy will be cool enough to get there with me.

On a different note, I am really wanting to bust outta my shell here.  I’m back home, and its time to travel within my habits and abilities rather than all over the dang USA.  I want to shake myself out of my comfort zone and fight the inertia that nips at my heels until I’ve taken my 3rd cat nap for the day.  I want to check out the rock climbing gym here and start DOING it.  I want to really get into photography and get a better camera and print things and have a website for my work.  I am going to participate in NaNoWriMo next month (google it) – basically you write at 50K work novel in November.  I want to set baby goals to look forward to and fuel my engines because graduating from pharmacy school SIX YEARS from now is so far away, its like trying to run a marathon when all you had for breakfast was a breath strip. 

Anyways, time to put Tina and myself to bed. And make a list of little goals for tomorrow… I wanna see how great I can make it.